When I was a kid, I always dreamed of being somewhere far from where I was. Growing up in a small apartment with many siblings made me wonder about life beyond the gate. My father was a policeman, and my mother was a housewife. We rarely went outside and spent most of our time playing at home or on the balcony. During the school holidays, we would go to our grandparents’ house in the countryside instead of taking family vacations.

As I grew older, I noticed that the people I saw in movies on TV looked different from us. They had fair skin and big noses! I also saw people like them in my grandparents’ hometown. Over time, I learned that they came from different lands and countries, which sparked my curiosity about their people and homeland.

In the 1980s, it was common to have a yearly calendar hanging on the wall, a time when technology was unthinkable. My grandparents always had a calendar with beautiful scenery from around the world, and I loved flipping from month to month to see the photo for each one, especially October. Why October? Because I was born in October. Every time I saw the photo for that month, I was astounded by the beauty of autumn. The red, yellow, and orange leaves on the ground and trees left me in awe, as I had never seen such warm colors in my surroundings. From that moment on, I longed to experience autumn one day.

I turned 45 today, on October 18, 2024. I am writing this memoir far from my homeland, on the other side of the world, in the United States of America. I can see yellow, orange, and red leaves from my window. It’s a spooky and gloomy autumn season. This is my third year living in a country with four distinct seasons. My dream has come true…

One year ago today (4th September2024), I set foot on American soil for the first time, an experience I never imagined would happen, as it was never on my bucket list to explore this part of the world. It seemed too far from my homeland and required an expensive visa.

But life is full of surprises. Sometimes, opportunities come when you’re not ready, but it’s up to you to make the choice. Life is about making choices. Even though we were unsure of what the future would bring, we chose to move here, even though we had just started our new life in Germany. We packed up our furniture, which we had unpacked only a year earlier, and sold our electronics and appliances.

I was sad to leave Germany, just as I was sad to leave Thailand, but at the same time, I looked forward to and was happy about the new adventure. We made the right choice🙂. Life here is so much easier, despite the negativity we had heard about this country. Every country has its own pros and cons, so it’s crucial to do extensive research and gather as much information as possible before making any big decisions.🙂

Yes, I haven’t written anything for so, so long. Somehow, I was not motivated because I still have fear… fear of writing. I fear that my article will have a lot of grammatical errors, boring writing styles and so on. Hence I’ve been spending my time with reading in hopes that it will improve my writing skills. Still, I have no guts to start again.

Today I received an email about my subscription with the WordPress indicating that my domain name is about to expire. The news awaken me, since I had ignored my page for years. Suddenly guilty started to crawl into my head because I’m paying for something I didn’t use.

I still want to write, I still want to express my ideas through writing, and I love doing that. So, from this moment on, I must force myself to use this page more frequently, be it long or short article as long as I write something. I have a few articles already hence, I should not stop.

Hopefully it will not be too long break after this confession and I will be more consistent.

Best regards, Niki

Oh my goodness…!

I haven’t updated my blog for quite sometimes. So many life events happened last few months. From the birth of my third child to the passing of my beloved father where new life begins and ended.

We were filled with joys when my little sweetie was born on 24th December last year. She came by surprised though I wasn’t ready to have another baby after giving birth to my son one year earlier. I just couldn’t get rid of the traumatic pain I endured along the process. Now I’m a busy mum with two little angels.

My family including my father came to visit the newborn. We live in Bangkok. They had to fly from Kuala Lumpur to see their grandchildren. Even though his health was deteriorating, he was excited. However, I can see that his time was closer. His body would not be able to support him for long. He had an end-stage renal failure and had to undergo continuous ambulatory peritoneal dialysis (CAPD) on regular basis. This might be the last time I see him well.

So, my husband and I planned a perfect family getaway to entertain my father while he was here. We booked a resort in Hua Hin which is just 3 hours drive from Bangkok. I cherished every moment with my father and fulfilled his needs as much as I could. We had an amazing time together and we also feasted him with succulent lobsters!

One month later I received a call from my sister, she said that our father was unconscious and in a state of coma. With my three kids, I flew to Kuala Lumpur to visit him. Our family had been informed by a physician about his critical condition. He had to be transferred from Intensive Care unit to a normal ward because he was not curable anymore. The news was devastating. Three days later he died peacefully in the early morning on 10th February 2018.

I was sad, but not for long. I was trying to be strong in front of others during his funeral. Still, I couldn’t hold my tears when seeing him for one last time. He’s gone. I will not see him anymore, forever. He will be missed dearly. Despite all the sadness, I was quite happy since I was able to spend my time and make him happy during his last days.

I recalled my childhood when my father was still a strong gentleman. He used to work with Malaysian Royal Police before changing his music career with Petronas. He was a strict father where we often had a love-hate father-daughter relationship. After all, he was always my idol to look for a perfect match. I admired him. He was a loving father and a loyal husband. He took great care of us and was always kind to my mother, for better or worse…

My mother and sisters are still in grief, but we have to move on. Life is short. For that reason, embrace and fill it with happiness. Avoid conflicts, hates, and all the unnecessary negative thoughts. I learned that not only death can come by surprise, so does life. The birth of my daughter was indeed a surprise. She is a miracle baby, life begins…

Al-fatihah to my beloved father, Ahmad Suhaimi Hashim.

 

 

Actually, I don’t really know what to write. Is that so? What am I doing? Why did I create a blog? Hmm… I just had a sudden thought that I want to write a book. I want to be a writer. Wait, what? A writer? I don’t even know how to begin and which topic I’m going to write is unclear. However, this will be my platform to throw all impromptu ideas from my head. I will write about anything just to improve my writing skill. Hence, I welcome any advice, tips, and reference from readers. Wish me luck…